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MasochisticMy heart is a hot pink balloon,
stretched too tight with too much air,
I am one beat away from it popping,
bursting out my chest,
splattering my blood upon drops of rain,
because I was born with a broken heart
and no one has ever managed to make me feel any less than I do,
I only feel nauseous and angry and yes, maybe a little desperate,
my eyes now blooming roses out of their lash lines
and I can feel the thorns scraping against my cornea,
it's almost as if I've gone numb,
there are really only two options here;
or feeling nothing with no in-between,
oh what have I done, what have I done,
but now what a
Cup of painDon't try to change me,
You don't even know me,
I am darkness, don't take it way from me.
Souless, heartless ,evil , damned.
That's what I am,
Do you believe that?
Don't try to change it,
Except it and breath it, for its what I am.
Yeah, im just a kid.
I'm not young enough to know everything,
I cant save you from your darkest thoughts,
I tried to save you,
But you didn't believe in what I am,
So drink it, drink it all,
I'll let you drink the pain.
You'll hate me ,but that's what always comes,
Just don't stop me form leaving this world,
i've done my job,
Now its up to you,
Live and be forgotten, or drink the cup of pain.
Which ever one
Reaching Out.I'm reaching out with my hands
Expecting you my love to embrace me,
But when I close my hand and see that you
Have not yet grasped on,
With every time I open my hand
To this painful empty feeling,
It tears this hole in my heart open
Letting it fill in with sadness,
And letting it become deeper.
So I let my nails grow out
Not expecting for anyone to latch on,
Continuing to grasp this desolate air
I find my self falling down in despair,
But then I see you reaching out
To grab my lonely hand out from the dark,
But alas I cut you,
I lost the sense of caring,
My nails and my heart,
Have become too sharp for this hand
I won't fallI'll withstand it.
No matter how hard you shoot,
I won't fall.
I'm stronger than you think.
No matter how many ammo you waste on me,
I won't fall.
I'll withstand everything.
I'll repel everything you throw my way,
I won't fall.
I'm stronger than you could ever guess.
Just try and shoot me down,
I won't fall.
If tomorrow I don't Wake upI wonder what would happen
If I was never to wake up
Would people even care
I wonder if a commotion would erupt
Would anyone even notice
That I wasn't alive
Would my mother even mourn me
Or could she guess that I wouldn't survive
Well I'm still not dead
But I can barely call this living
I feel like a corpse
That hasn't given up on breathing
But I wonder what would happen
If I was actually to die
Would anyone be bothered
Or care enough to cry
Maybe everyone's just used to
Me living like a corpse
So no one would be bothered
Or life change the slightest off of course
But if I would never wake up
There's no way to know what
Red ScreamsSmiling at me, shiny silver teeth
Begging my wrist
For one chaste
Grinning at me, that evil smirk
Making my heart pound
So sharp so
I know I
And really I
Arm’s too full of blood
From attempts to
Join the stars.
Photo album of
My diary of my
I am still
My Escape"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.."
My head is rested on my soft blue pillow.
My eyelids slowly shutting as the melody drifts on.
"..and all the things you do..."
The music takes control of my body.
Hands tapping eighth notes
Feet tapping quarter notes
"..and it was all yellow.."
A sunset on a beach
Orange, yellow, and red streaks painted across the sky
Waves gently crashing upon the shoreline
Birds softly singing as they fly across the colours,
becoming part of the perfect picture
There's a cool breeze that harmonizes with the waves
I steadily sit myself down in the cool sand
My left hand reaches down to lift s
It's building faster.
I can feel it.
It's hunting me,
I can't just sit.
I have to move,
I can't stay still
For it will just
Bend my will.
I'll lose myself,
I'll fade away.
It will happen,
What can I say?
It's hard to avoid,
I've been running for years
No matter how I try,
It ignores my tears.
I try so hard
I wish it to die
I can't kill it,
It's far too sly.
It hides in the shadows
and feasts on your fears.
It will always be in control
And will always turn your gears.
It will take you to the edge
The edge of despair.
Before pulling you back,
Hard, and it won't care.
It wants your life,
And it wants your soul.
As The Darkness Devours Me WholeWhenever I hear those footsteps,
I pray to God-though he has
long since abandoned the likes of me-
As the devil draws nearer yet,
the bane of all mankind
Hear ye the sound of the angels weeping?
Mourning for all the souls lost?
The darkness encroaches upon human hearts-
and I fear for my vitality-
Against it, who can prevail?
And I pray...
Even as the darkness devour me whole
I don't want to be this way.
But I can't help but feel this way.
No matter what you do
Or what comforting words you say.
My over active mind will not allow me to believe it.
My weary blood shot eyes will not allow me to see it.
Even though my attentive heart is able to receive it.
My thoughts and my imagination will corrupt and deceive it.
And that's why no matter how much I love you.
For some reason I will always feel cheated.
So please don't blame yourself because you have done more than enough.
You have proven yourself and have provided me with so much love.
There are only so many false accusations you can take.
You didn't dare.She smiled,
but it was fake.
but she's about to break.
She reached out,
but no one came,
tried to fake it,
but the pain stayed the same.
This girl, she called to you,
but you didn't care.
Something told you to help,
but you didn't dare.
What would the others say?
The ones who called her a freak.
They may taunt or shun you,
so you choose not to speak.
Then she decides to leave.
Because no one wants her here.
You'll never see her cry.
She'll never shed another tear.
She's beat down.She's broken.
She has nothing left to wish for.
Her life's been drained.
She's just smiling.
But she's screaming.
Her unspoken words are screaming out.
But that scream sounds like a whisper in a silent room.
She's torn apart.
Shredded into a million little glass pieces.
And she just feels like she's about to breakdown.
That girl, she's beat down.
Her bruises being punched again.
Her cuts being stabbed.
Her wounds are being salted on.
Her scratched being scratched.
She's beat down.
Don't Kid YourselfDon't kid yourself that I'm happy.
My heart hurts
My eyes water
My soul is scarred
My skin is a concrete wall,
Protecting the porcelain doll within
I don't want to be this way.
I want happiness
I want joy
I want to wake up smiling
I want to go to sleep content
I want a day filled with real laughter,
Not that I force.
People laugh at me
They say that I'm young and I will be happy eventually,
And I believe that is true
But that doesn't mean I want to spend until then feeling this way
You Saved MeAnother step closer,
A toe off of the edge.
I think of stepping over,
Falling to my death.
I know it's not right,
But it's what I feel.
I just can't help it,
Only it's real.
What do you do when you've lost everything?
Find solisce in drugs?
A release for the pain?
A burning ache,
A foreign fever.
A cataclysm of hate,
That tips the meter.
But I step back,
Admire the view,
Pull myself together,
Then think of you.
Ignore the BrokenJust walk on by,
I know you won't care.
I know people don't bother
to help the broken.
Just ignore what you
don't want to see,
I do it too,
I hope the scars go away
and maybe I'd be fine,
but I'm broken and people
tend to ignore the broken.
So go one and ignore the tears,
the scars on my arms,
ignore me and the rest of the broken.
go one and walk on by.
Don't make empty promises,
don't lie and say it'll be okay,
I've done enough of that.
And from a passerby I need no more.
Because you won't do a thing but ignore me.
You won't stay long,
you won't neven care,
so please just go one
and please don't lie
and make those empty promises...
Madness, Sadness, Insanity and BloodMadness can't leave me my peace
as long as I'm still breathing,
it will rip and shoot and hiss
as long as I'm still living.
Sadness will not go away
No matter what I break.
Sadness can't just cross my way
and leave what it would take.
Insanity is all I know
and everything I'll ever see.
I'm dying, rocking to and fro,
wondering how I shall flee.
All this blood is gladly flowing,
all this blood I'm drowning in,
while this feeling's steady growing
that I lived in hate and sin.
DoveAll the things I did today
make no sense in any way,
all the things I tore apart
were yet broken at the start,
all the worst dreams, scaring me,
have now turned to reality
'cause all the things I did so wrong
have never made me any strong.
Yet a part of me is struggling,
still longing for life and love
as I climb to the roof
to follow the dove.
Empty LoveFirst time I saw your face
swept me off my feet,
you were so sweet
it made me gaze.
But then there was shame,
I felt the guilt
for the thoughts I built,
you'd never feel the same.
Eight years have past
and seeing you every day
made me realize I'm gay
'cause all the feelings still last.
It made me love you even more,
although every look of you
makes me feel erring and blue,
you're the one I live for.
Random thoughtsIs it perfect enough to be wrong?
Will all your promises be broken,
every word that you have spoken?
I knew it all along.
Is the strangest way the best?
Could I've known the right words
to stop all that hurts?
What will happen to the rest?
Silently"You'll be okay," they told me
but said goodbye to the old me,
then left me to die,
and ignored every cry.
Tears that fall silently,
unseen, still violently
leave scars on my skin.
And with my voice so thin,
I know I will rue
now what I'm telling you.
So I will just smile
and say by the pile,
"I'm fine again."
But I'm screaming in pain!
Can't you hear me?
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`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More